Huge apoligise....

Hi guys...

I am aware that I haven't been active through the past few months... Unfortunately my life has changed drastically.... My fiancée, the love of my life has left me. It was very difficult to cope with it, add to it dealing with kids and not amazing money situation.... and you don't have much will power, nor do you want to write or study.

 But I am back... Recharged.... A little bit happier :)

Going to write about our last TMA and the next steps :)
xo xo

News update!

 First of all I would like to apologise to everyone who is my regular reader for my absence!   I really wanted to drop at least few words but I really couldn't. I was very ill, and I've spend most of my days in bed, not only neglecting my work, hobby and blogs but also my family, friends and uni work! It is so hard sometimes knowing that you have so much to do but the pain is stopping you every time you try.

 Few updates and news.
  I know I've started my blog with weekly follow ups on the work list, which you can find in Learning Companions, I will still try to do that. I am not sure what I will do about post about TMA's, we all are far into the course by now and I don't see much point to remind us basic informations on how to write an essay.  I am sure that we all are able to follow our tutors feedback. What I might do instead is a list on one of the sides of my blogs, with the list of post with the basics. I might find some more useful informations as we go and post them or even put some of the tips from my tutor feedback.

If any of you, would like to read about anything specific plsea drop me an email, or message on facebook.  If you disagree with me, or have more informations, which are up to date, please contact me as well. The last thing I want to do is to share wrong informations and give bad advice. If you message me at least I will be able to change it. I hope that all of you know that I am only human and I make mistakes ;)


 I am now officially involved in the  North and Mid Wales OUSV project , I am waiting for all my materials and as soon as I will get to know all the ins and outs I will do a post about.

That's not all!

 I am also having a pleasure of being a student reps with BPS !!!!! I was so happy when I have received an email informing me about it.

And the best news I had...  I was offered to write an article for the OUSV Newsletter, which is due out next month!

It is pointless to say how much I love writing! But I would never imagine that I would EVER be able to have the opportunity to write so well in English and be bale to be involved in so many amazing things.

Which just proves me that choosing The Open University as a uni to do my degree with, was one of the most important and right choices I have ever made!


 I will still give a 100% on my blog write useful tips and try to share with you all of my experiences :)

Oh! If you have a blog about how it's like to be a student yourself, drop a link to it in comments. I would love to know how everyone else is getting on with OU!

That's all for today, I hope everyone had a good time with TMA 2 ( will post about it tomorrow ) and you all are getting started with the TMA 3 :)

My first tutorial.

 I had my first tutorial yesterday. We had a decent number of people there, which was brilliant. I even had one of my friends there! Which was a huge relieve and a surprise. I was aware that she is doing this module, but I thought she will have her tutorials somewhere else.

 My tutor seams nice, I would say she is a little bit shy and it appears ( for me) that she was as nervous as we :D It will sounds cheese, but I really liked her accent. I ended up trying to work out, where is she originally from. :D

 Activities we were given, were basically the one for LC1. Which was nice, because i could use my notes.

 I was a little bit worried, because I am not British and last time I was doing a course with one of the local universities , my nationality was brought up every five minutes. it made me feel a little bit like they were trying to say :
- You shouldn't have opinion about this topic, you are not British, so what can you now.

 Which of course was provoking me to be very defensive, because I am living in this country, I was working when my health wasn't as bad as it is now, I was paying taxes, all my friends are British, including my fiancée. My kids are going to school here and I am planning to stay here for the rest of my days and I do have a right to express my opinion about politics, benefits and everything else.

 To be honest I have big mouth, without being provoked and it is difficult for me to bite my tongue if I feel passionate about something.

 Well... I think some people on this tutorial felt like I am a little bit to much for them :D  I am hoping it will change, I am very simple girl and if you have the patience to get through all those hard shields and protections walls, I am really nice and carry person. I would give my hart out to people who need help. ( self-advertising much :D ). People just need to get use to me and then they can see all those good qualities.

 One think I am regretting after this tutorial is not speaking to my tutor about my conditions. I mean, I did planned to get there early and talk to her, when no one was there, but as I entranced the classroom , there were already some students. I thought to myself :
- Naaah, don't worry Barb, you can do it.

And I was sitting quietly for two hours. My back were killing me, but I did not mentioned it. After I came home, I was drained, my back were in pieces, my hands, elbows and ankles were demanding painkillers. I could feel my migraine coming. The charms about those migraines are amazing, for example if I sit for to long ( especially on those uncomfortable chairs!) my neck muscles are ending up in spasms, which is provoking my head to develop migraine.  It is painful, but also fascinating how our body can fight and alarm us. It is nearly like it tries to tell us :
- No, this is not ok with me, you are hurting me. Stop it now!

 So I've spend all night in pain, and I am just popping painkillers now, hoping that they will start working.

I am not comfortable to talk about my conditions with strangers, heck I am still not use to the idea that I am not independent and I need people to care for me. I mean I had my first job when I was 12! I was cooking, paying bills, going to school, taking care of my mother and older siblings. Now... now I have to ask my partner if he can help me pick up my shoes... My children are helping me to get up from the sofa. They are the only people who I am allowing to see really in how much pain I am. Even around my partners family, I am acting like nothing is wrong with me, always smiling, joking.
  I tell you all my secret... I don't want my family to know this, so I am keeping it to myself, but it begins to feel heavy... I feel useless sometimes. Useless as a mum, as a woman, as a future wife, as a human.
When I have a bad day, I am just lying in my bedroom, steering at the celling, can't move my neck or head, can't get up because it hurts to much. Can't read a book or watch a movie. Lying there with my doors shut, curtains closed and thinking : How much easier their lives would be without to having to look at me in this state, carrying for me and feeling bad, because they can't do anything to help me, to easy my pain.

 Anyway... I went far away from the topic :D
So... I've e-mailed my tutor today asking her if it would be ok for me to stretch a little bit, instead of sitting for two hours straight. I am waiting for her to mail me back.

I am glad I went this tutorial. It was a good experience overall. :)

On the more personal note....

 I was talking to a few people on facebook and they've encourage me to write a little bit more personal posts as well, so here I am. Writing for all of you. It is not to hard for me, considering that I love to talk, especially about myself :D

 So you all know that I am a mum, I have two the most amazing children ever.My son is 6 and my daughter is 4. They are my reason to get up on the morning and try hard every day. Then there is my fiancée, who supports me, loves me, regardless of my moods and my pain. I also have pets, two spoiled cats, a dog, a fish and I am planning to buy myself two rabbits soon. :)
You also know that I am ill and I live with the pain. Every day is the same and will be as there is no cures.



I love rock, but not only. One of my favourites songs is :

 I love to read books, I am addicted to diet coke I crochet and write blogs. And I am obsessively organised. :) 

 There is lots of reasons why I am like that. I mean there is always a reason right? Why did I started to studying psychology and why I've decided it at the age of 25, when having kids? 

 There was never any time to do it. I've finished my high school and my life was just crazy. 

I just wanted to say that this part of my blog will not be to 'pretty', so if you are very soft I would advise you to stop reading it right now. 

There is a lot of reasons behind choosing psychology for my degree. 

 I was the youngest ( third ) child of a single mum, she had an amazing relationship with my siblings. Unfortunately that was not a case with me. She has started being violent towards me when I was 7, I remember every minute of that day and her words. She said that now as I started school everything will change.I have to admit, she kept her word. I was being hit, punched, kicked, swore at, going to school with a black eyes was a normal thing for me, I was threatened and when hurting me wasn't working then she was abusing me mentally, manipulating me and  lots of many, different things. I don't want to remember everything, but is not easy to forget. I was forced to find my first job at the age of 12, I have managed to do it all. Work, school, abuse. Yes, I've tried to finish it all. Don't think why I couldn't do it. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 14, year after I was diagnosed with anorexia  after I nearly starved myself to death. 

Despite everything I was keep going. I've never gave up. I was attending school, later I had two jobs. I have 12 GCSE's and I was always proud of my achievements.  Now I have beautiful family. I am not perfect mum, but after the kind of upbringing I had I am the best mum I could be. 

Every bad thing, which has happened to me has made me a strong, independent and very stubborn person. 

I know what I want from my life and when I set myself a goal, I know I will achieve it. 

 I was hoping that by studying psychology I will be able to help myself a little bit, and understand why my mum was like that. 

I hope I did not scared you all, to be honest is so much easier for me to talk/write about what was happening to me as a child now, than looking for help then. 

 Part of me is glad that I had such a horrible childhood. I know sounds mad, but it made me who I am. Yes, I have bad days, specially now when I am all the time in pain, but apart from that no matter what is happening in my life, I will always keep going, looking for a solution till I find one. 

 So apart from that, I was asked a question : 

How do you do it all? 

 First of all I have a huge support from the love of my life. I mean, that guy is my angel. I wouldn't be diagnosed and I wouldn't have any painkillers if it wouldn't be for him. I was so sick going to the doctors, explaining them the same thing, over and over again! But he was my rock back then, hugging me when I was crying from pain, keeping my head when I was sick, looking for solution and he was keep taking me from one doctor to another, even when I was biting his head of. 

 Now on a bad day, he have no problem with telling me : 

- Stay in bed today, get rest and I will take care of everything. 

This man reads me like a book. Every time when I am trying to lie to him, that I am fine and not in pain. One look and he knows, what's wrong. 

 I am really lucky to have him in my life. Of course like every couple, we have our down days, we argue like everyone else. Sometimes we say things we wish, we would never say. But that's life. For the true happiness and love exist as long as we go to bed and want to wake up the next day, next to each other. 

My kids are also involve in helping around the house. I am trying to raise them to responsible, hard working adults. I have to admit I am doing a pretty good job, for now... We will see when they are going to be 15th :D 

 My kids have there chores. My son is washing plates after dinner and on weekend after breakfast, he is being paid for it. £1 for every time. He knows how to use hoover and is his responsibility to make sure that the room, he shares with his sister is clean. So he reminds my daughter that they have to make beds and clean up. 

 I am studying mostly on the mornings, because that's the time when my tablets actually work. I do it sometimes for an hour, sometimes for 6 - depends how I feel. 

 When it comes to cooking one word : SLOW COOKER

 You can save so much time!!! Instead of cooking for hours, just throw everything to one pot and leave it to cook itself . 

Also... guys... If you don't hoover for two days, your world will not be destroyed ;) 

On evenings I am usually reading books, spending time with my family crocheting and all the fun stuff. When my other half is out and kids are in bed, I am opening my laptop, updating my blogs, chatting on fb. 

Weekends are family only. 

That's pretty much it. Not much of a secret... I am not working for now, I wish I could but the pain will simply not let me. I am always keeping schedule and plan. I don't like to 'go with a flow' , I have to have everything in a correct place and happening within a timeline. lol 

 I don't know if today post was to 'dark' for all of you. Please say if it was. I was planning to keep it strictly module connected, but I presume from time to time there is nothing wrong to write about something else, right?