My first tutorial.

 I had my first tutorial yesterday. We had a decent number of people there, which was brilliant. I even had one of my friends there! Which was a huge relieve and a surprise. I was aware that she is doing this module, but I thought she will have her tutorials somewhere else.

 My tutor seams nice, I would say she is a little bit shy and it appears ( for me) that she was as nervous as we :D It will sounds cheese, but I really liked her accent. I ended up trying to work out, where is she originally from. :D

 Activities we were given, were basically the one for LC1. Which was nice, because i could use my notes.

 I was a little bit worried, because I am not British and last time I was doing a course with one of the local universities , my nationality was brought up every five minutes. it made me feel a little bit like they were trying to say :
- You shouldn't have opinion about this topic, you are not British, so what can you now.

 Which of course was provoking me to be very defensive, because I am living in this country, I was working when my health wasn't as bad as it is now, I was paying taxes, all my friends are British, including my fiancée. My kids are going to school here and I am planning to stay here for the rest of my days and I do have a right to express my opinion about politics, benefits and everything else.

 To be honest I have big mouth, without being provoked and it is difficult for me to bite my tongue if I feel passionate about something.

 Well... I think some people on this tutorial felt like I am a little bit to much for them :D  I am hoping it will change, I am very simple girl and if you have the patience to get through all those hard shields and protections walls, I am really nice and carry person. I would give my hart out to people who need help. ( self-advertising much :D ). People just need to get use to me and then they can see all those good qualities.

 One think I am regretting after this tutorial is not speaking to my tutor about my conditions. I mean, I did planned to get there early and talk to her, when no one was there, but as I entranced the classroom , there were already some students. I thought to myself :
- Naaah, don't worry Barb, you can do it.

And I was sitting quietly for two hours. My back were killing me, but I did not mentioned it. After I came home, I was drained, my back were in pieces, my hands, elbows and ankles were demanding painkillers. I could feel my migraine coming. The charms about those migraines are amazing, for example if I sit for to long ( especially on those uncomfortable chairs!) my neck muscles are ending up in spasms, which is provoking my head to develop migraine.  It is painful, but also fascinating how our body can fight and alarm us. It is nearly like it tries to tell us :
- No, this is not ok with me, you are hurting me. Stop it now!

 So I've spend all night in pain, and I am just popping painkillers now, hoping that they will start working.

I am not comfortable to talk about my conditions with strangers, heck I am still not use to the idea that I am not independent and I need people to care for me. I mean I had my first job when I was 12! I was cooking, paying bills, going to school, taking care of my mother and older siblings. Now... now I have to ask my partner if he can help me pick up my shoes... My children are helping me to get up from the sofa. They are the only people who I am allowing to see really in how much pain I am. Even around my partners family, I am acting like nothing is wrong with me, always smiling, joking.
  I tell you all my secret... I don't want my family to know this, so I am keeping it to myself, but it begins to feel heavy... I feel useless sometimes. Useless as a mum, as a woman, as a future wife, as a human.
When I have a bad day, I am just lying in my bedroom, steering at the celling, can't move my neck or head, can't get up because it hurts to much. Can't read a book or watch a movie. Lying there with my doors shut, curtains closed and thinking : How much easier their lives would be without to having to look at me in this state, carrying for me and feeling bad, because they can't do anything to help me, to easy my pain.

 Anyway... I went far away from the topic :D
So... I've e-mailed my tutor today asking her if it would be ok for me to stretch a little bit, instead of sitting for two hours straight. I am waiting for her to mail me back.

I am glad I went this tutorial. It was a good experience overall. :)